Love and Faith

These words are sometimes overused and probably more often misused but lately they are all that's on my mind.
I have been blessed in my life to have a lot of love. I have a great relationship with parents that are still married as well as with all my siblings. I am close with my children both in and out of the house. The pride I feel for them exceeds anything I could have hoped for. I've been told I positively light up when asked to elaborate about my adult children. My grandchildren have evoked a new kind of love that only grandparents know about. My girls (my remaining daisies)at home continue to amaze me and for them I will dedicate myself to all that will help them succeed. This summer I was alarmed to learn thay my youngest little Emma could not swim. How could that be? I was a lifeguard and swim instructor when my oldest children were young. I refused to believe I had overlooked this important part of childhood for Em. It broke my heart to watch her act like she didn't care that she had to hang on to my tube on the lazy river. It hurt even more to see her finally gain some confidence and venture further and further away from me. My heart was full of that compassionate tender love that almost hurts.
Tonight my 3 youngest daughters and I are all home together. There is no school tomorrow so the atmosphere is casual. However, I am becoming increasingly tense. Maddie feels the need to dance/sing to every interaction/conversation she is involved in and some she is not. The demand for the computer and tv is high and they are both in the same room. Doug comes over to use the computer for a work emergency and my anxiety increases as his voice rises on the phone. Allie now has a boy over and they are oblivious to the fact that they are wrapped up around each other in my chair. My pain from the recent surgery is now at an 8 I am sure. My pain from the loss of my child is not worthy of a number. I tell myself these are the sounds of a family. There is love in this very room. My loss, my pain is bearable because of these people. I wait in line for the computer to see if I have an e-mail and possibly a new picture. There is one...a sweet one packed with an outpouring of love. There is my Faith. It reminds me why I did what I did. I see it, I know it but it still hurts. I love her.

it is what it is

Lately I've been in between moods of taking life on life's terms and feeling rather comfortable with it vs. a feeling of total helplessness and despair regarding the situation that is my life. Tomorrow I will turn 42. I find myself pregnant and alone. Of course I still have 4 of my 6 children at home but they are pretty much on their way in life. My heart aches for them for opportunities lost because of my inability to manage my own life better. I am torn about what to do with this new little life I am creating. Do I surrender it to a loving couple who can provide its every need or do I keep my little family intact? Naturally the girls are thrilled with the prospect of a new sibling but they aren't the ones responsible for its upbringing or eternal progress either. This is lose/lose. I have a job that I don't love. It is mundane and doesn't capitalize on my strengths. I can't sleep without being sedated and even that sleep is temporary.
I crave companianship from a kind male to no avail. There are men who are kind but so over zealous and not a correct fit for me. Actually my current marriage prohibits new prospects somewhat but neither of us seems to have the gumption to initiate the divorce proceedings. I still am raw over the whole marriage thing as well. I feel rejected on every level.
Then there are the kids. Lately I have felt badly about the perception my children have of their childhood. It seems they feel they were never afforded any of lifes finer things and culture was exempt from our life. Granted there were mullets and dirty farm houses but there were also name brand clothes, dance, sports and trips. Teaching them table manners and the beauty of good food was important in our family. It's discouraging to view it through their eyes. I am not suggesting they are inaccurate, just that I remember it differently.
I wonder when I can get out of this rut. I want to shed the past that haunts me. I know my potential and it frightens me. Tomorrow I will face the demons necessary to move forward. I will survive and thrive. I love the song by rascal flats titled "I'm movin on". I hope the baby's daddy listens to it.