Lately I've been in between moods of taking life on life's terms and feeling rather comfortable with it vs. a feeling of total helplessness and despair regarding the situation that is my life. Tomorrow I will turn 42. I find myself pregnant and alone. Of course I still have 4 of my 6 children at home but they are pretty much on their way in life. My heart aches for them for opportunities lost because of my inability to manage my own life better. I am torn about what to do with this new little life I am creating. Do I surrender it to a loving couple who can provide its every need or do I keep my little family intact? Naturally the girls are thrilled with the prospect of a new sibling but they aren't the ones responsible for its upbringing or eternal progress either. This is lose/lose. I have a job that I don't love. It is mundane and doesn't capitalize on my strengths. I can't sleep without being sedated and even that sleep is temporary.
I crave companianship from a kind male to no avail. There are men who are kind but so over zealous and not a correct fit for me. Actually my current marriage prohibits new prospects somewhat but neither of us seems to have the gumption to initiate the divorce proceedings. I still am raw over the whole marriage thing as well. I feel rejected on every level.
Then there are the kids. Lately I have felt badly about the perception my children have of their childhood. It seems they feel they were never afforded any of lifes finer things and culture was exempt from our life. Granted there were mullets and dirty farm houses but there were also name brand clothes, dance, sports and trips. Teaching them table manners and the beauty of good food was important in our family. It's discouraging to view it through their eyes. I am not suggesting they are inaccurate, just that I remember it differently.
I wonder when I can get out of this rut. I want to shed the past that haunts me. I know my potential and it frightens me. Tomorrow I will face the demons necessary to move forward. I will survive and thrive. I love the song by rascal flats titled "I'm movin on". I hope the baby's daddy listens to it.
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I love you Sassy! I want you to know that, and that I have been thinking about you alot, but I'm never sure what to say. It seems like every time I open my mouth I offend someone or other. And I have no real advice to offer. Only that we are all behind you in Spirit if not in day to day help.(Dang state border!) Hang in there! And your kids had a fine childhood. It just becomes popular to try and find answers to present problems from past experiences. See. I probably just offended someone. Love ya-M
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